How To Improve The World Cup

I’ve got World Cup Fever! By which I mean the World Cup is on and I am also very unwell.

Anything can happen during the biggest sporting event on the planet. Here are some of my ideas on how to improve the 2018 FIFA World Cup. 

1) A Divided Germany. 

Germany is one of the favourites but they would double their odds of victory if they went back to competing as East and West Germany. As I have learned from the office pool at work, you are more likely to win the more teams you have in the mix, so every nation would be smart to divide into as many micro-nations as possible during the group stages.

2) Stronger Safety Measures.

 The amount of diving and illegal tackling is getting out of hand! All players should be put in one of those tanning machines until they are so painfully sunburnt that the idea of touching anything is so upsetting that they respect the god damn rules.

3) Own Goal Mercy Killings

I feel so horrible for every player that scores an own goal. I cringe thinking of all the guilt and sorrow they will feel every time they think back to that moment. This is why I think they should have a sniper on hand (They already do) to take him out straight away and save him from a life of pain. I think everyone would be much happier. He won’t have to look his team mates in the eye or read about it in the press. Just one clean shot when the ref blows the whistle, a substitute comes off the bench, straight back to the game.

4) Bonus Points For a Catch Phrase.

If I’ve learned any thing from my recent Ping Pong obsession it’s that if you say some cool shit right before you hit a winner it looks and feels twice as good. I think that before you take a penalty shot you should be given a mic and then if you choose, you can attempt a double or nothing catch phrase goal. Imagine Messi lining up his shot, the crowd falls silent he picks up the mic and says ‘Is this ball Sandra Bullock auditioning for a role in a 1995 science fiction drama based on internet hackers? Because it’s about to be in ‘The Net.’ 

If it goes in thats 2 points, if not it’s an immediate red card.

5) Add More Sports

In the same way that MMA began as a way to determine which martial art was the best, the World Cup should incorporate all other ball sports to see which is best. Imagine: Socceroos vs Roger Federer, Brazil vs the All Blacks, England vs The Golden State Warriors. I am picturing the games will take place in a very wet field (To accommodate water polo) with a large pile of miscellaneous sporting equipment dumped in the middle. The edges of the field will be lined with all manor of nets, hoops, and bowling pins. Both teams will get in there and muck around for 90 minutes and then a panel of judges determine the winner.

6) Get Me In here.

I am a really good Goal Keeper. I won Gerringong Soccer Club Goal keeper of the year 2 years in a row when I was a teenager. When I tried out for the NSW south coast representative team they picked the kid who did it the previous year even though I saved way more goals than him in the tryouts. That’s such bullshit, so I feel like it would be fair and smart if they let me play in the world cup for a bit. I am eligible to play for Australia, Canada or England. I know Canada didn’t qualify but perhaps with a competent Goal Keeper who had the courage to play soccer AND do stand up comedy that would be a different story.

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Jack Druce